freeze your queer brain

Anonymous: who is taz???

(this is gonna be sorta long, sorry!)

Taz is one of, if not the, closest tumblr friends I’ve ever had. I got in contact with him in January of 2012 through a Glee roleplay. I talked to him in character for about a month but we started talking OOC and became really friendly. Taz went through some rough times in April and he came to me for advice. After that we were practically joined at the hip (as much as two people who live on completely different continents can be, ofc). He’s the first person outside of my family that I’ve truly loved (our relationship was completely platonic, but it was this unique thing. It wasn’t a brother-sister thing but it wasn’t just best friends either. It’s so hard to describe in words). He was my rock - I went to him for everything and we would talk on tumblr for hours.

In October of 2012 Taz went through some serious emotional stuff and it hit me like a sack of rocks because it was so sudden. He ended up leaving tumblr, but we stayed in contact through email (this is his old blog). I started having some issues about a month after his started, and I was put on a medication that ended up working against me. We were both really depressed, but at the beginning of December he stopped answering my emails. By this time I was starting to chew on the idea of suicide (thanks, Abilify!)

The next time I heard from him was right after Christmas (the 28th, I think? By this time I had deleted my old tumblr account). He had gotten out of the youth hostel he was at and landed himself a role as Buttons in an Irish Cinderella panto. He was starting to pull himself up, but I was literally weeks away from committing suicide (I wrote my first suicide note on Christmas). I had sent him an email that said that I couldn’t take the stress of not hearing from him anymore and that I wouldn’t be checking it for awhile. He replied back and explained where he’d been and stuff, but I never answered.

On New Years Eve 2012, I was admitted to the hospital for suicidal ideation, self-harm, and auditory hallucinations. My parents read my journal and found out about my relationship with Taz. Even after I was let out of the outpatient program (one week inpatient, two weeks outpatient), I wasn’t allowed to use the internet for recreational purposes until what ended up being two months later. Taz sent me two emails: one on January 7th, and one on February 2nd. Once I finally had a sit-down talk with my parents and explained everything to them, they let me back online and I was able to check the email I used to keep in contact with him. (I also know that he had a new blog for about two months, iwillnotbereconstructed, but he suddenly deleted it without telling any of our mutual friends).

I’ve been sending emails ever since and I still haven’t heard anything. I’ve tried everything to try and find him, and I keep running into dead ends. I still love him a lot and I understand that he might have wanted to cleanse himself of the past, but I can’t live with the fact that he thinks I just left him. He probably thinks I’ve killed myself or something.

I’m so happy that the post I made is starting to circulate, because it’s literally my last hope. I’ve contacted everyone I possibly could and made myself completely reachable if he ever got curious as to where I was. This blog is linked up to my old one (which I remade specifically for that reason), and I’ve tagged a decent amount of posts with his old url. I miss him so much, and besides word of mouth my last inkling of hope is that he said to himself, “I’ll give her a year” or something).

I make a lot of indirect posts about him, I know (coughcough AHEM coughcough), but I really do miss him a lot.

posted 7 years ago with 0 notes